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Only one day after committing to uploading a video every day for a year, I had my first ever flashback to being sexually abused as a child. Here I share my experience of the flashback, as well as the most common symptoms of adult survivors of child sexual abuse (CSA). I hope the video helps you in some way! Please leave your questions and comments below...
Here is a recap of the video:
1:15 How my flashback came about
6:31 A description of my flashback
8:07 What is child sexual abuse?
8:50 How can you tell if you were sexually abused?
9:46 Symptom 1: Lack of confidence
10:37 Symptom 2: Low self-esteem
11:21 Symptom 3: Strong feelings of inadequacy
12:42 Symptom 4: Inability to trust
14:50 Symptom 5: Problem relationships
15:34 Symptom 6: Sexual dysfunction
17:15 Symptom 7: Food, drug and alcohol abuse
19:53 Symptom 8: Illness
21:34 Symptom 9: Sleep disturbances
22:26 Symptom 10: Flashbacks
22:37 Symptom 11: Inability to touch or be touched
23:08 Symptom 12: Depression
24:13 Symptom 13: Suicide attempts
25:06 Symptom 14: High or low risk taking
25:42 Symptom 15: Security seeking
26:14 Symptom 16: Alienation from your body
28:45 Symptom 17: An aversion to making noise
29:17 Symptom 18: Memory blanks
30:34 How I feel about the flashback
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i had a bad breakdown last night while drunk and long story short ive come to the conclusion Something happened. idk what or who, but a lot of my life is connecting like puzzle pieces as i research stuff. thank you for this video. i feel closer to finding out what happened.
I'1ve just started to discover repressed memories after my godmother warned me about my father. Holy fuck, I'm just at 19.00 in the video but I can say I went through LITERALLY THE SAME stages as you (being underweight, then overweight, alc abuse etc.). I'm getting more and more worried about his possible scenario. Girl you're the strongest in all of youtube! God bless you, I hope you'll be healed one day!
My wife has been diagnosed with cptsd and she struggles with accepting it. So many doctors have tried to get her to come to realize her condition and to try and help her come to grips with and come forth with anything that may have happened to her. I hate watching her go through this. From her earliest childhood and I mean as early as 1st trade or sooner, she threw up every day and had panic attacks. This went on through her entire childhood! She developed eating disorders, she has massive guilt and shame, self esteem issues, extreme diligence, emotional regulation problems, you name it. But she is the most empathetic and wonderful woman. She tries to put everything on herself always and carries emotional blame and responsibility for things she should never have to. She had an insanely volatile and abusive brother and many around her growing up we're abused and molested. But she still maintains she doesn't believe she was. So our saga continues and I feel so lost on how to help her :(
You story sounds exactly like mine, I know how you feel. My mom doesn't believe me and tells me that I'm lying and making it all up. Have you ever heard of the Jezebel spirit? Satanic ritualistic abuse? The generational curse of pedofilia is a very real problem. I feel like it's a curse. This is very common in a narcissistic family and continues to impact generation after generation. Your a survivor and an angel, thank you for sharing your experience, strength and hope.
god bless u :) remember god is always with good souls .......💖💖💖💚💓💓👼 u r an angel dear .... n I think every girl is angel in this whole universe ....... who struggles a lot in their daily lives...... God bless everyone .....
Thank you! You are so brave and beautifull inside out. This video helped a lot gave me strength for my own healing journey. The courage to heal book and workbook are great and trauma and recovery is another great book to read. Thank you again lots of love
Thank you so much for sharing your story. The things you're feeling and the thoughts you're sharing are so relatable and moving I can't help but share your tears! I'll be praying for you! I hope you're doing well
People here seem to have more knowledge in this area. So I have a question. Ever since I can remember (probably about 3/4 years) I had sort of messed up dreams as a child and possibly younger than that (but I don't really have memories from before that). There were some more normal aspects, like I could fly hehe. But I also remember dreaming being raped by a group of extremely obese women. I dunno if I knew what it was called, but I knew what it was and that it was wrong. I have no memories of sexual abuse or bad vibes from people, just the sense that even as a kid, these dreams felt wrong. Like not age appropriate, like that 'normal' kids don't dream these things. I dunno. Maybe I'm thinking way too much into this. Thoughts?
I was sexually abused as a child at the age of 8 until I was 10 and I didn’t experience my first flashback until last year at the age of 19. My flashback happened because my sister was telling me how one of her close friends told her he was sexually abused as a child, and this was the first time I’d ever heard of someone I know being sexually abused as a kid, and the memories came flooding back. I’d managed to suppress them after about a year when the abuse finished, for 8 years. The symptoms you listed have always related to me, and I was diagnosed with BPD when I was 18 after being in the mental health system since I was 13. The comment about starting a project and then just giving up once it gets good, really related to me and I haven’t been able to explain that feeling until now. I’m sorry you went through this, but thank you for sharing your story. I hope you’re doing well, and are coming to terms with your past trauma ❤️
The hardest thing for me is the memory loss. I have a huge feeling of not being able to enjoy pleasant things like jokes, dancing, singing, and so on. My brother years ago got really high and told me he knew something that happened to me as a child, but he wouldn't tell me. I have always had huge systems of abuse, but I have no memories. I mean absolutely no memories of parts of my childhood such as school, family, just being alive. I want so badly to know what to do I can't afford thereapy.
i can relate to all of this and am watching this at right time after going through narc relations and dependencies control dramas.Like you iam at the point where I can help others and have a relationship with myself. I still also feel similar with regard to recieving oral and feeling dirty also recently discovered my reasons of putting on weight and looking unattractive on purpose to put off predators including not wanting to exercise. Insomnia YES! thankyou so much for posting this I hear you and empathise with all symptoms I feel always oddball but understand you and what a bitch depression is...you can heal your life by Doreen Virtue helpd me alot in my early yrs. stay strong soul sister you are amasing and we need you here much love and appreciation 💞🤗🕉
I want you to know that your honesty has me in tears. My real life monster just passed away and we buried him yesterday. Mine was a family member as well. Unlike you, I told my family and when I did, it was swept under the rug. I was told to keep it to myself because the person who hurt me was a doctor, a husband, a father, and I could not ruin his reputation. Over the past couple weeks, I have struggled with so many emotions and conflicting feelings. I have also realized that I am not alone. I want to personally tell you that I am sorry that you went through the same experiences as I did. I finally feel that now my real life monster is gone I no longer have to be silenced. Thank you for sharing your story. Much love to you.
I know that I've been molested 3 times that I remember. Once when I was 8. Again at 17. And again at 23. It's like I keep attracting it to myself. But I have a strong suspicion the first time was when I was much younger. I remember a vision of seeing a mans erect penis when I was 2 or 3. I remember telling my friends when I was in elementary school that I had seen my DAD's penis when referring to this image. I have all of these symptoms that are listed in this video. I'm Borderline and was actively bulimic for 12 years. I've used meth and heroine on and off through all my 20's (I'm 29) and abused alcohol through all my 20's and late teens, like having to drink all day everyday. From the time I woke up, to the time I went to bed. I have not enjoyed sex my whole life. It was purely a way for me to feel loved and accepted and I have extreme abandonment issues. I have also had extreme rage issues since I was a very young girl. My mom said I used to get so mad that I'd clench my jaw and fists and my face would go purple. She called me the Tasmanian devil bc of my rage outbursts. I have strong feelings that those episodes of abuse that I can definitely remember are NOT the source point. I don't know what to do. Every once in a while I get these sick sinking feelings of sexual shame when around certain men in my life. So strong that I have to leave the room. My grandfather, my dad, my uncle. I don't know what to do.
I also would pull out all my body hair from the time I was in 2nd grade to 7th grade. I pulled out my eyelashes, I cut my "widows peak" (I never had one, I only thought I did.). I pulled out my sideburns, like ripped them out so I was bald on the sides of my head. whenever I was nervous i pulled out my hair, even my pubic hair.
I've watched this many times and every time it hits me in the gut. My situation is more like yours in that I've wondered on and off since I was about thirteen (I'm in my late twenties now) if I have an abuse history of that nature. I have a couple of very fuzzy "memories" I guess of a couple of things that certainly count. Even with these I obsessively go over all the details often to see if they're "real" or not. I remember thinking that I understood what certain sexual acts were before I had names for them.
I have tremendous difficulties with trusting people during sex. My first partner, I jumped into sex right away and felt nothing with him. I was actually dissociated during much of our time together and I would go home and sob hysterically. I thought I was going crazy.
But the other symptoms; the self loathing, fear of sexuality and disordered eating all fit. I also go through alternating periods of saying no to pretty much everything and not being able to say no, especially if I feel like I'm disappointing someone. It feels like something beyond normal consciousness and more like a mortal fear of disobeying the other person. I have no reason, given my known (my 100%) known history to be that compliant. I'm so sorry for rambling. I hope you take care of yourself. Thank you for this.
I'm so sorry for your suffering and I feel with you ❤
I wish you the best of all for the future, all life can ever bring. You are amazing, so brave opening up for all of this. I strongly belive that doing that itself is healing you. I send you all my love and strength. If I believed in God I would have said that you're in my prayers. Although I don't, in lack of a better way to express myself, that's the feeling I want you to get from me to always keep with you if wanted.
Best of wishes E
thank you for posting about your experience facing the consequences of sexual abuse.I related so much to how you described yourself and your life/evolution.I am facing my own patterns head on,right now.I also experienced several different abusers in my childhood and my mom was a domestic abuser and drunk.I now am trying to heal from years of chronic disease(lyme disease) and know I need to come to terms with my own patterns.Its really hard.I will try to find a therapist.Its amazing how I have minimized the impact of sexual abuse in my life.I am with you in my heart,We can heal.
Feeling like I want to be invisible. Dissociation. Not trusting men especially. Memory blanks. The feelings of shame. Watching people get on with life. It's just like I'm existing and not living. And nothing is in my control.
I don't think you ever fully recover. I'd love to think that it is possible. Feeling numb is one of the worst.
Being detached from people around me. And when I do make those connections I end up getting really hurt.
So I withdraw again.
The legacy of CSA.
One thing we have in common as survivors is COURAGE. COURAGE to keep going. I'm so sad for the many that couldn't face another day.
Thanks for being brave enough to make these videos.
Pizza, hope you don't do that again. Anyway, I lived with denying anything happened to me my whole life, but living with mood's on and off. Anyway, running or exercising is something I do, when my head can't tolerate the reality. Do little at a time
I just signed the petition "We call on the National Union of Teachers to withdraw its motion promoting LGBT+ issues to toddlers" on CitizenGO.
It's important. Will you sign it too? Here's the link:
I have this heavy feeling in the centre of my chest, throughout this entire video and as I write this. It's almost like I have a hand pressing on my sternum. I'm quite taken aback at how many things are striking a chord with me. The feeling guilty thing, I still have it when someone tells me "hey do you know whatever happened to my item" for an example, and I always feel some sort of guilt, even very well knowing I had nothing to do with. And I remember when I was 11 in school, the teacher was asking the whole class who took home one of the stationary items or something, and feeling a weird guilt whilst knowing, again, that it had nothing to do with me. And I am always self sabotaging, which is keeping me stagnant. With studying, jobs, and weight loss. Also, I have this feeling that whenever I start losing weight, I start to get a little bit scared, and it's a scared of feeling "frail". I don't think that I have been raped as a child (although I have been in within two different relationships, not extremely aggressively, but rape nonetheless. Along with emotional and mental abuse, intimidation. Which is why I am looking into why I have such poor boundaries in sex and with whom I open my trust to. I think I have just become so untrusting now, as a result. My boyfriend of 5 months wants to shout us a night away in a beautiful place up in the forest, but I just do not feel comfortable going for the night. I really feel like I have been molested by either my brother or dad, I am leaning towards my brother from other inappropriate things that I can remember clearly from my teenage years. Anyway, thank you so much for being so brave and making this video to help others. You are a beautiful lady and I can just see that you have a gentle/kind soul too. I hope that you as well as all of us, can heal tremendously this year! Much love from Australia <3
my heart feels and understands your pain, such a beautiful strong soul.....its so strange as Ive had 3 dreams well nightmares recently relating to my abuse. wow how I just want to hug you,.I would love to meet your soul one day in the futuremany blessings and thank you....thank you so much xxxx
im only 2 minutes into this video and I just need to say already.......well done.....for being so brave and courageous you beautiful soul and not only that your vegan too wooooop :) Im so glad I found your video and your from the UK which is amazing as I am too. I recently broke my silence and shared my video about my CSA a few days ago and really feel what your saying. I hope you are well and sending so much love and healing energy yourway xxxx
I stay healed until I tr to get into a relationship, then those feelings of abandonment, insecurities, even symptoms of personality disorders...what man will love you through that? I end up running them off. I hate this and would not wish this on no one...
You have such a beautiful soul. I just love that I stumbled across your video this morning. You are not a lone. At times I could have been saying exactly what you were saying. I will try to find more of your videos. I know I don't know you, but you truly are beautiful inside and out. I hope you found a way to process all this. If you did, it means I can too. :) Have a great day!!
please contineu yourbvlog i will follow you , i understand and feel the very same. you have been a great help to me . I needed to feel connected with someone and that has been u today thank u dearley . sending all my love your way
I cried along with you, all the things you pointed out have happened to me as well . its hard getting over it or get passed trough it. still on a journey , i feel like i need to get over myself and i still cant :/
Hi I feel so connected with your video. Alot of similarities for myself too. I love that you shared your story and I am still processing your video in my mind and feeling like Im not alone. I feel like you are so real and pure which is so rare to come by. This is the first video of yours I have watched and I'm going to find a recent one to watch and have subscribed. Watching my life happen and being out of body is what I feel like too. I want to learn more about you being connected spiritually- as you were talking I could sense this and could see you as being in tune in a psychic way- and then at the end of the video you mention your psychic abilities and I said to myself 'I knew it!'. I hope you can reply. I don't know how to do private messages on here- I'm 25 but rubbish with technology but can I friend you on facebook? My Facebook is Elly Wright.
I don't know for sure if I've ever been abused but my mom said that I would throw fits and pleaded not to go with my babysitter (which I NEVER did as a kid, I was always a happy kid with no anger or hate towards anyone as any happy kid is). But I feel strange when I hug people sometimes even when I hug my mom and dad. But (I apologize if it gets really graphic) I began to think about sex at an extremely early age I would fantasize of having sex with classmates boys and girls and sometimes I would take my barbies to the room and take of their clothes and made them "do it" despite me not knowing what sex was exactly, my parents never gave me "the talk" I just knew fro tv and when I saw girls in bikinis I would feel someway. I "masturbated" which was not really masturbating because I would just put my underwear between my legs and press them together till it felt good, I have never touched myself down there. However I do remember my cousin who is 1 year younger would do suggestive things he once touched me down there when I was 8 and he was 7 but we were both fully clothed. I also feel guilty for everything and also apologize for everything because I'm extremely scared of upsetting people or bothering them. I alwaus struggled with self esteem and can never accept complimentsm. I always feel like there is something wrong with me and that I don't deserve to be happy. Sometimes I have dreams of a lady hitting me- bad but no memories of being sexually abused, I don't want to "remember" it if i even was molested but I want to know for sure why I'm so messed up.
omg yes! I resonate with a lot of what you said, especially I just really want to connect to and love my body but spent most of my life disassociating from it/jumping out of it into higher states of consciousness
I see this was from a while ago, how are you healing? I had the same thing happen to me yet it was memories of 4 people closest to me when I was younger and I realized it had a tremendous effect on me. I've been working on myself deligently for a yr and a half do you have any suggestions on recovery? Maybe just keep watching?
I used to have a link up to it under the video but then they took the website down so I'm afraid I don't know. Maybe Google symptoms of child sexual abuse in adult survivors or something similar? Good luck :) x
I am so pleased to have found your channel. Do you ever do skype sessions ? I'm experiencing the same. I can't tell you how similar all of this sounds to me.
I've had a hunch for Atleast 12 years. I feel sorry I exist. Always defensive. It's so scary. I would love to reach out.
you said you reacted to your geekiness of highschool by becoming the extreme opposite, but then you got over it at some point. Well i was with a girl that never changed this type of attitude but rather had found ways to hide it from her loved ones. I ended up into a relationship with her, i got emotionally battered by her inability to face reality, i realised i too was suffering from non-acknowledged trauma..i still am revealing dark parts of my past, it seems to never end, i feel i am close into revealing the whole truth about my sad story, it has taken me so many years of my life away, even when i was doing what you also did, moving from one thing to another and destroying all my projects eventually quiting on them. I have not recovered sexual abuse memories but i m certain something has happened that is not going to be easy to accept. I understand what you re going through in a way, never quit, you re evolving beautifully as far as i m concerned, and it is very inspiring to share all this even though we come from completely different backgrounds and stories, the gut feeling and levels of difficulty in our lives seem similar. Thank you and show no mercy to anything that's keeping your system in the dark.
I am fostering a friendship with a woman that I hope turns into something more serious. She has told me that she was sexually abused as a young child and I hope to learn as much as I can about this topic so I can ask the right questions without being insensitive. She shows signs of being distant with me some times, but am aware enough to not take it to personal. The content of your video has helped a great deal of what she might be going through so I can support her where it makes sense and not push subjects with her where I normally would.
Keep up the great work and I wish you the best with your healing.
I tend to shutdown when people start screaming around me I think it's a form of post-traumatic stress disorder because of the physical violence if they don't shut down I usually get very very loud panda and I might die and I I really I really don't I like those parts of me being so high hateful in the Stone most evil in the sense when I go to sleep I have a dream was so vivid but I actually have mental breakdowns cause of it I actually physically think I've done something into somebody and if you accidentally cannot even tell him or tell anyone the fact that it is so terrible because it is so terrible can you talk back to bring up enough courage to ask the people that you thought he'd done so terribly too you actually did not do anything to them and you're not even sure to trust him or not cuz her soon mentally broken how much think of it insanity is a fact I do things expecting different results Istation just repeat the circle to a point of mental breakdown Babble on about stuff never happened look it actually happened I guess I'm not crazy or insane cousin Mike's identify instead of saying that never happened
Marius was not sexual but that was mentally and physical beatings really new videos release help me point out something my psychological wings really see myself is off thinking either either really really bad or they're good and I'm really hostile either it has to be destroyed or I'm going to keep it it's either kill went it's going to choose to kill or not to kill but I don't know if that's my bipolar mixed with abuse it probably didn't help me bipolar and problem Wikipedia probably cuz I'm an introvert the way it manifest with me anti-violence really calming down really accepting what Maya later on tonight do they still live with me they don't they live with me but they don't do that anymore I will not let them make me anymore viola but I won't know if I'm there I make be any worse than talk to people and I really have never dated at all I'm sorry it happened to you I've had nightmares for a dozen stuff to people and then I asked them in they say it never happened but there to be trusted it's just the worst thing to think you've done something to somebody that's horrible as you possibly can thank you I really think dark and demented thoughts I can think of five or six things in a second that most people wouldn't even think about 5 years to do to somebody but they just disagree really don't like but they don't know why they don't like me I don't I don't know if that's something connecting what do I really hope with the people if I thought about it too you're telling the truth cause I really didn't want to hurt anyone what were the world's going I think minority people sick and tired of being victims they don't realize by doing that they're making themselves more of a victim just one eye hurt somebody I feel like I'm more of a victim because the fact I lost control this helps you as much as it's helped me because I've never told anyone this I really hope you find somebody that can help you as much as you helped me to start the process of emitting that it wasn't Voyage of the Damned but you're beautiful just the way you are I can be too much book I like to walk on and I am a little on the heavy side side and you are beautiful if I was actually thinking about going on a date I would hope I find somebody as nice as you I just haven't found anyone I wasn't even remotely interested in I'm really need to find some mental and physical health because I don't know any good conversations I've been quite so long that I'm pretty much not even discussed, like how the weather is don't even know how to begin this is about as personal as they been talking to somebody which even me I can realize it's not very personal talking to somebody ever computer find because it's more comfortable and I rather talk to person to person in the way I view myself in the finished but I have enough confidence to do it doesn't really help that I can't read and that's really what bugs kill my confidence because for years the teacher told me I wasn't smart enough I hope the day that this is over do you still check voice messages compliments you're wonderful, but I like all this you're beautiful
how do you get does your country allow hunting because I don't know if you're in the US because I am and I thought that that the hunting and trapping really helps me mentally and physically and I'll be prepared 4 whatever cuz their skills never go out of style because they're always practical and the peace and quiet of the woods really help me along with talking to other people I've been told that I'm bipolar and an introvert I hope you feel better I'm not a vegan I'm not also made it there yet either I like my vegetables I love the greens the really good radish tops Ebola Monday for assault with them and I also like you walnuts Japanese ones are Chinese walnut tree the ones with the spikes all their other perfectly when they come into season Cracker Barrel open right under the tree black walnut you have to let them sit for a couple months and keep them from you round agility set take off the green haul off the black walnut and lunch set let it cure and then crack it it's wonderful buttery taste and it's just like they just long enough to still have a little bite of this acid in the night it's really really good I love food especially the stuff I can collect myself Cousino I really myself and help other people when I teach them the same skills but for the most part I am an introvert that really takes me a lot of stand back and watch other people before I even think about going in front of them and showing them anything then I have to prove to myself but I know enough that I might go look like a fool but that's my point of view I hope it helps you as I say get her done the old saying that I've heard sometimes I picked it up to love you aplia you feel better about yourself Angela price and pretty
It's hard to live with all these memories and secrets. And I do remember when I get the first flashback from that day my life is changed completely and I start digging myself and boom every memory start running in mind from beginning to the end. It's like you are relieving all those years again. You can watch it, feel it, describe it, everything and helpless. Just want to get disconnected from all these feelings. Funny part I used to search 'are scientists working or making anything for destroying memories for specific period of time'. They aren't. I wish and I want to get better.
What a beautiful soul you are and I too am dealing with the same stuff and I can relate to you the way it all played out and has been shown to me over the last 3 months .. thank you and remember one thing you are deserving of love and compassion.. love and light to you and thanks again beauty xx
Hey Ananja, you're so strong and lovely. Thank you for doing this. I've always felt alone in my fight, but your courage in posting these videos has given me some companionship in my fight. Thank you again and keep fighting :)
Thank you for sharing this video. I'm currently discovering repressed childhood memories and this video has just brought a light into the journey I'm about to embark on in order for myself to grow and let go of what no longer serves me.
Thank you for telling your story, every word you said resonates to me. I have the same age as you did in the video. Your reasoning is a lot like mine; not just the history, emotions and ways of responding. Even details like the throat chakra, memory blanks. My abuser was my father, I was 3 to 5/6 years old, almost your age. My father died when I was 21 and I too felt a relief when he died. Repressions have made my life a living hell until the point I could allow myself to know what I feel, just once, cos my body had never felt like mine... how could I know anything or even be capable of proper judgement. I was noone. Noone to me. The similarities are kind of freaky, but thanks for that anyway, you made me feel less alone. I feel we should always be watchful, that kind of hurts... cos I have made spiritual progress in my life, it's a life's work, like a choice without a choice. And still I attract people I have been conditioned to find normal. To this day it still kills me in that one way. I beat it in all other ways, but this is the hardest part, along with the self esteem... they go hand in hand.
JosVanOosterwijck :( I'm sorry you experienced that.
I'm not sure who my abuser is. I've had a hunch for years. Yesterday evening a long talk with a close friend triggered a few things that caught my attention and I have not been able to ignore it.
I think that my abuser was my brother. But I too feel a strange similarity with my father. I would like so badly to talk to others . When all this bothered me today I right away contacted my doctor and asked for a referral letter to see someone. I'm very afraid of what I might find out. I'm scared of what I don't want to know. And I hope it is something which I can handle.
I'm so sorry to read of these experiences but stories like yours ....helps me feel not alone.
Thank all of you for sharing. I wish I could share more but im afraid of publicly disclosing a lot of it.
I have never in my life related to an experience or person before in my life. Hearing your experience and emotions makes me hurt because it is finally concrete that these emotions havent just stemmed from a random place. These things DID happen to me. I grew up feeling so disgusting about my father. He abused me when i was 4 and over the years, the universe gave me signs but i wasnt ready to deal with them. Deep down I always knew but felt a mass amount of guilt for feeling this way because I didnt have an actual memory of it. It wasn't until my 20th birthday (this year) that I had an actual flashback and my body just yearned for love and comfort. I had an outer body experience just like you did and it was so heartbreaking to see myself be so vulnerable with a person that I SHOULDVE been able to trust all of my life.
I experienced this same exact thing a while ago but I am too scared to get help or even mention it to my family. It is just such an anger and disgust filled memory/experience. But it's good to know that I can watch people like you trying to deal with it so that I might figure out how I'm going to as well. So thank you for being so strong <3
Thank you for sharing I was sexually abused a lot as a little boy around 8 years old by my best friend for years or I thought he was my best friend he was 2 years older then me and was doing it for 6 years till I was 13 and sometimes have one of his friends join to. To this day only my GF knows I had a really hard time telling her cause she thought I was cheating on her cause had no sexual feelings towards her but I have very dark flashbacks when sexual stuff with us happens I'm 28 now and healing process is going still but still have hard times hear and there I just wanted to thank you for making this I found it very helpful we all will get through this together god bless thank you
Sexual abuse was tabu in the 50's and 60's. No one beloved the child. The child was labeled unruly and obstinate. Mother's turned a blind eye. Her husband couldn't possibly be guilty of such a thing. Later as children the mothers blame the child. Life changes forever. It destroys any happy future. You are called a liar, crazy. Then finally alienated. Suicides fail. There is no escape.
I thank you so much for this. and know that I may not know you but I want to you to know you are loved. I was forcibly raped by my father from 4 to 12 and I can totally relate to all of this. I hope that you can find the happiness you are looking for and I wish you the absolute best in everything you do.
thank you for your video!! the past few months have been very difficult. I can relate to you in how you used to always break off relationships. I broke up with every guy who I was in an extended relationship with... trust is a huge issue... about 90 % of what you said, I could identify with... it made "the lightbulb" come on in my head and yet scared me too. How do I address these things with my parents?
I appreciate how honest and open you are about your abuse and about sex. I am 74yo and when I was a child, I was sexually abused by my father also. Attitudes about sex when I was growing up were stifled and repressed. I am from the U.S. and attitudes are changing but mostly we are still behind most of the rest of the world.
I have had decades of therapy due to PTSD (post-traumatic stress disorder), which is basically all the things you listed as symptoms of child sexual abuse. Do you think that religion contributes to feelings of shame and guilt, esp regarding our
bodies and sex, including masturbation? I was raised as a Christian and I remember feeling deeply ashamed and guilty when I discovered the pleasure of masturbation. I used to pray to god to forgive me after every time I pleasured myself explaining that I would never do it again, which of course I did, again and again. I was so afraid of going to hell.
I used to be afraid to go to sleep at night due to horrific recurrent nightmares, this when I was in therapy as an adult and hadn't yet realized I had been abused. One recurrent dream which would wake me abruptly and I would be shaking and terrified to go back to sleep, was of being suffocated. Another equally terrifying dream was that I had shards of metal or glass growing bigger and bigger in my mouth until my mouth was immense. My mother would be standing nearby but would be totally silent and ignoring me, which I became aware through therapy many years later was her usual attitude toward me.
You don't say much about your mother. Since the date of the video is the year 2014, I wonder if your mother knows about the abuse now and what her feelings are about what happened and about your father?
Thanks again for helping to dispel the silence about incest and child sexual abuse. It is the silence, as in the silence of the hierarchy of the Roman Catholic Church, which allows this terrible crime of incest and child sexual abuse to continue damaging and destroying lives. May we who have survived learn to celebrate life.
I found this video when i woke up this morning and, Ananja, thank you so much for posting it. I really needed to hear that someone else got it, was experiencing something like I am, that i'm not crazy. I have been in disbelief about how much this spoke to me, how much I identified with everything that you said. I've been in tears throughout and paused the video countless times, dumbstruck, or even just in order to process it a little before continuing. Like you, it's only recently that i've had flashbacks to specific events but i've had a hunch for years and now things about the way i behave are starting to add up.
I'd love suggest that you go to a 5rhythms class - it saved me from myself and introduced me to a way of loving and appreciating my body for what it is and what i can do with it. It is a dance class but there are no steps to learn and no mistakes to make. Everyone describes it differently, but to me it is a meditation. Many survivors of abuse, ex addicts & alcoholics, people recovering from eating disorders and many more find so much in it - and from the way you talk about consciousness - i really think you'd like it. I can suggest classes to you if you'd like.
Anyway, Thank you
for sharing this,
Ananja, I just want to thank you. I have been watching your videos for a few weeks now.About to turn 18, i have been healing from my own sexual trauma from when I was little (from my grandfather) and your videos have inspired me greatly. The hardest part to deal with is the assault that happened to my trust. it has made things very hard. But seeing you grow and experience the rawness and the painfulness of it and not be afraid to turn away... it has given me the courage and the "permission" to explore my own healing and begin to open my heart. thank you thank you!!!!!
Thank you for this. Watching this video has finally made me feel like I'm not alone. I really related to you when you said towards the end that it's not like you're shocked, but rather that you're finally "allowing" yourself to discover and uncover something that has always been a part of your life. I'm struggling with beginning to uncover my own memories and experiences. So thank you for putting this out there. You've helped me.
It sounds like your parents made you feel guilty for having been born. That theme is familiar to me. Just know that you are a wonderful person, they were the problem. Fuck them. I suspect that they hated you because you are a much better person than they are.
Thank you. When you said "Exercise resistance", I started crying.
I only recently put the pieces together, in the last month, that I was sexually abused at a very young age. A lot of other abuse happened concurrently - physical, emotional, and then eventually spiritual. So a lot of those symptoms you listed have been all bundled up with that as well. But once I realized that I was acting out sexually, from a very young age, did the final lynch pin fall into place. It's the thing I've been running from all my life, but also the thing that I had no idea I was running from. It's actually a relief, to have all those pieces put back together. I don't have to run anymore. I can just rest, and continue getting the help I need to process all of this. Only this time, I get to go at my own damn pace.
And exercise resistance - that complete aversion to it - was one of the things on a long list of "No wonder I've felt that way all my life!". I have always felt more comfortable carrying an extra 10-15 pounds, while at the same time, feeling ashamed of it. At one time, when I was 26, I had lost that extra weight - and I have never felt so vulnerable and exposed as I did then. I felt that every man was a predator, and my walls went up even higher during that time. It just all makes so much sense now.
That's why I cried when you started out your video saying that - I knew I wasn't the only one. Thank you, for being vulnerable and putting this on YouTube. You really are helping us all.
I keep having a lot of random feelings and images of disturbing sexual things about my mom. But, how do I know for sure if my thoughts are real? I have all the symptoms that you've stated; I've even tried killing myself. I know 100% my mother has done things with me in my childhood that were not right, but how do I know if a huge chunk of my life is blocked out? I'm 18 and I swear I can remember every bit of my childhood but still have the haunting feeling that something wrong happened. Out of no where when I was a child I began to be very perverted, but I knew it was wrong and that I had to do what I did alone. Please help.
Hi +Curly Kitten. I just want you to know, you're not alone. Someone said, on some website I was reading, that if you suspect you were sexually abused, then chances are you were. Your feelings are always, *always* real. I don't have a true memory of what happened to me, either - the only memories I have are the acting out sexually I was doing. I looked up what's normal childhood curiosity, and what's sexual abuse acting out. That's actually how I know 100% that I was. Also, based on other abuse my mother committed with me (physical, emotional), I can't help but wonder if it was her.
I have all of the same other symptoms she listed, too. My first suicide attempt was at 13 - my second was at 28. I'm 44 now, and just 3 weeks ago began putting this all together. I figure that my brain knew I couldn't survive if I was having the true memory, so it did me a favor and blocked it out. It's only because I'm safe enough now that it's all coming up, I believe. But, it's frustrating and scary and crazy-making to not know for sure if or when or with who it happened. Is that's what's going on with you?
I felt compelled to write to you, because your story is so similar to my own. And just know, you weren't being perverted - not at all. You were doing what you were shown. You are absolutely, 100%, not to blame. And I don't just mean for being abused - I mean, for all the aftermath, all the behaviors and feelings that came after it happened.
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