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Only one day after committing to uploading a video every day for a year, I had my first ever flashback to being sexually abused as a child. Here I share my experience of the flashback, as well as the most common symptoms of adult survivors of child sexual abuse (CSA). I hope the video helps you in some way! Please leave your questions and comments below...
Here is a recap of the video:
1:15 How my flashback came about
6:31 A description of my flashback
8:07 What is child sexual abuse?
8:50 How can you tell if you were sexually abused?
9:46 Symptom 1: Lack of confidence
10:37 Symptom 2: Low self-esteem
11:21 Symptom 3: Strong feelings of inadequacy
12:42 Symptom 4: Inability to trust
14:50 Symptom 5: Problem relationships
15:34 Symptom 6: Sexual dysfunction
17:15 Symptom 7: Food, drug and alcohol abuse
19:53 Symptom 8: Illness
21:34 Symptom 9: Sleep disturbances
22:26 Symptom 10: Flashbacks
22:37 Symptom 11: Inability to touch or be touched
23:08 Symptom 12: Depression
24:13 Symptom 13: Suicide attempts
25:06 Symptom 14: High or low risk taking
25:42 Symptom 15: Security seeking
26:14 Symptom 16: Alienation from your body
28:45 Symptom 17: An aversion to making noise
29:17 Symptom 18: Memory blanks
30:34 How I feel about the flashback
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For years i was deemed a “bad kid” i was aggressive, refused to clean my room, sucide, depressed, ect. My ma didn’t find out i had been raped at eight until my abuser walked through my door and I started screaming, hysterical when I remembered the fear i felt about him, i locked myself in a bathroom cupboard to hide.while my mom chased him with a metal lamp. Over the years more have happened, the reason why i didn’t clean my room was because I wanted to hear him, I would fight because I couldn’t fight then, I can’t stand having men stare at me, im afraid to leave my children with other children or adults, i have a hard time with relationships. My abuser will be having a baby soon...i pray it’s not a girl. Im still angry at myself for forgetting this, im angry i froze, im angry he left these scars.
I conquered fear of the dark from it I used to have to have the light on to see what was in the rooom and I conquered that in my late 20's but I have some issues that weird fears from memories that make me have panic attacks
I want help but it's not UNTRUE that nobody can be trusted.... I know this to be so! Even the good ppl I n my life let this happen to me and I secretly hate them so bad I wish it would be them. I want them to suffer so they know what I feel like. I will die not trusting others and I feel safe in not trusting.... trusting got me fucked up every single time I went against my better judgement
You definitely don't need to "lose weight" Fuck all that nonsense. You might be inspired by toning up a bit for your own feeling of strength & comfort but you don't NEED to do shit for anyone else's judgement or comfort. You are literally GODDESS INCARNATE and ANY SHAPE you take is BEAUTIFUL simply because you are ALIVE! 💓 I understand your struggle, Ive been there myself and I know you will AWAKEN from the nightmare of abuse & shame someday soon. YOU ARE SO LOVED. 💗
The best thing u can do is to play baseball with a admitted registered sex offenders head or a heroin addict that's my favorite there addicted to drugs anyway so they can't run away from the aluminum bat
I am going through a remembering right now and it is interesting because I am also using cacao. I relate to to your story and it is really helping me to hear you sort through your thoughts. Thank you from the deepest part of my heart for sharing. 😌
Thank you so much for sharing this. I was molested by my father from birth to 12 and at 18 now, doing research and listening to other survivors’ stories is my method of coping. Hearing other people explain what you’ve been through yourself is extremely helpful. Hope you continue to grow and heal <3
Thank you for being so bravely vulnerable and sharing your thoughts and experiences with the world. You described me to a T! I never would have connected the dots and realized that all of my... "Meness" steams from the sexual abuse I suffered through from 2yrs old until 9ys old. It all makes sense. I remember my abuse but have struggled to heal from it. How are you doing currently? I was recently introduced to reality..... the existence of life outside of the human understanding, mainly Pleiadians. I really need guidance through my spiritual journey but I am at a loss as to where to begin to look for said help. Any advice you could give would be greatly appreciated. Thank you again for sharing your truth.
I know this is old but you’re so brave and beautiful for making this it honestly made me cry, dealing with sexual trauma is so hard but when you feel like you’re not alone it makes it easier to take it day by day 💞 keep going love
You are a very brave lady' I can relate to you and your emotions.
The flash bads will never stop, should you face and admit what has happened in the past.
Your life will become easy, acceptance is the key. Don't ever forget it was never your fault.
I love the idea of the wounded healers archetype. How one person can embark on a journey to find the answers to heal themselves and in the process discover so much gold to be able to easily heal others. That archetype resonates with me to my core as I am searching for answers and I can clear as day see it in you too. Thank you for sharing your message. Hope you are doing better these days. Im going to talk to my mom tonight about what happened to me as a little boy and while I’m terrified at how she’ll react, I know it’s what I need to do.
Powerful video, thank you for being so completely honest, for me it's not the sexual or ritual abuse, it's the repressed memories and dissociation. My coping mechanisms are more destructive than the actual abuse- that i only partially remember.
Omg you have just explained what's happened to me and I've had a few memories today & everything you say is describing me & my life????? These thoughts triggered by a realisation about my body & how I can't stick to exercise except I have no memory of the abuse. What's going on?
(((Hugs))) Thank you so much for making this video. You are an inspiration to everyone who has survived child sexual abuse, and you've helped me decide that I am going to start making videos about my own story. We really need to get the word out and help other people who have been through it or are going through it. But to answer your question about why you don't want to exercise and you start but can't seem to commit, and the reason you ordered the Domino's pizza and pigged out, is because our bodies and minds don't like change, and they don't like doing anything that opposes their evolutionary process -- which is to store fat for those times when there's no food. But we live in the 21st Century where there's a fast food chain on every corner and food at the supermarket is SO CHEAP, but our bodies are still working on an evolutionary level. Can you believe that?! Well, of course. We don't like change. And evolutionarily-speaking, our body doesn't want us to lose weight. It wants us to weigh as much as we've ever weighed before (because starving is bad for your health).
I just wanna to share how much I really connected with you through this video... I’ve had so many of the same struggles almost to a T. And I also didn’t see any of them until I had my first flashback as well. How it all just fits into the puzzle afterwards.. I always feel so stupid for not seeing it cuz it’s so obvious now. I really really connected and felt so much...
Thank you! You are beautiful! This helped me so much. I have suspected for a long time what happened to me as a child. But of course your abusers brand into you that everything is always your fault. I grew up in the 70s & 80s and at any moment in time My Father, Mother, Brother and Sister(6&8 years older) could Physically, Mentally, or Sexually Abuse me at moment they felt like it, and they all did, everyday. I was literally Cinderella(Cinderfella)! Laugh if you want to. I do! I had a list of chores everyday! My brother and Sister never did. If all that wasn't bad enough there is a memory when I was 10 and my brother and sister held me down and did something to me that I blocked. All I remember is it broke me every way possible! Now 44 years later after researching what is wrong with me (you can never stop believing everything is your fault) and watching my brother and sister lead a life of abusing every partner they had. They Raped me! That is exactly what they did. That was my white privilege. Anybody want it? This all sent me down a road of terrible friends, relationships, and jobs. I don't wish I had a different life. I wish I was never born!! I blame myself for being born!
This video took courage. You’re not alone and you’re helping others. I was into the metaphysical too as a disassociation mechanism as a way to disconnect. God is not the way of worldly fathers and we can trust him. ♥️♥️ You’re a strong woman. Thank you for sharing.
This video has been such a confirmation for me. I relate to your story so much! In fact mine is nearly identical. One night I had a terrible nightmare and then in the morning memories came flooding back. I then spent two years having nightmares, insomnia, and even worse anxiety and depression than I already had. All my life I felt dissociated from reality. I felt deep shame over my own sexual feelings, but tried to play it off like I was really into sex because I wanted to feel in control. I wound up leading a bunch of people on, and I'm still a Virgin to this day, because I was addicted to that feeing of having the control for once... To escape, I would just lay in bed and fantasize for literally hours. I always wished for aliens or angels to come take me to a different reality. I even created my own version of heaven, basically a different plane where I could exist in peace. I felt deep shame over the struggle I was going through. Remembering all that and not telling anyone at 16 was a lot to handle. My mom was worried and I would just tell her I was having nightmares, not the contents or the abuse I thought happened. Because I was struggling to believe my own truth, like what if my memory was faulty? After really two and a half years, the nightmares and anxiety only started to fade after I finally admitted it to myself that I was raped as a child and sexually assaulted (technically raped) as a teen. I wish you so much healing and success even though this video is kind of old. I hope you're doing better now, and that you don't let what happened define you. You are clearly a kind, beautiful person and thanks for having the courage to make this video ❤
I have always hated sleep. I have just today remembered her coming into my room at night and me sleeping in her bed at times. I starting having severe nightmares once she took me back from my dad and wetting myself.
Can relate to a lot of this :(
Thank you for being so in depth. Im only up to 17:18 and it’s been so helpful.
I’m glad you said that about oral sex. I feel the same. For years I couldn’t handle it and even now, I have to override something to let my partner do it. Sometimes when he touches me intimately I can’t handle it and have to stop him and redirect him elsewhere.
I am also autistic so this is all getting confusing. I can’t tell which things are my autism and which things are trauma.
I’ve had a hunch my whole life too and today I realised it was my mum. It makes so much sense because I had some memories and I ALWAYS felt strange with her and avoided her as much as possible.
Now more and more memories are coming back to me and the dots are being connected. I have been crying, feeling sick but I’ve contacted victim support and I’m going to be getting a case worker thank god.
Thank you for sharing your story with us. Xx
I'm so sorry to hear this. I can't imagine how tough it is for you. I'm so relieved you're getting help <3 Sending you lots of love and strength for your healing journey - it may be rough but I believe in you <3
i had a bad breakdown last night while drunk and long story short ive come to the conclusion Something happened. idk what or who, but a lot of my life is connecting like puzzle pieces as i research stuff. thank you for this video. i feel closer to finding out what happened.
I'1ve just started to discover repressed memories after my godmother warned me about my father. Holy fuck, I'm just at 19.00 in the video but I can say I went through LITERALLY THE SAME stages as you (being underweight, then overweight, alc abuse etc.). I'm getting more and more worried about his possible scenario. Girl you're the strongest in all of youtube! God bless you, I hope you'll be healed one day!
My wife has been diagnosed with cptsd and she struggles with accepting it. So many doctors have tried to get her to come to realize her condition and to try and help her come to grips with and come forth with anything that may have happened to her. I hate watching her go through this. From her earliest childhood and I mean as early as 1st trade or sooner, she threw up every day and had panic attacks. This went on through her entire childhood! She developed eating disorders, she has massive guilt and shame, self esteem issues, extreme diligence, emotional regulation problems, you name it. But she is the most empathetic and wonderful woman. She tries to put everything on herself always and carries emotional blame and responsibility for things she should never have to. She had an insanely volatile and abusive brother and many around her growing up we're abused and molested. But she still maintains she doesn't believe she was. So our saga continues and I feel so lost on how to help her :(
You story sounds exactly like mine, I know how you feel. My mom doesn't believe me and tells me that I'm lying and making it all up. Have you ever heard of the Jezebel spirit? Satanic ritualistic abuse? The generational curse of pedofilia is a very real problem. I feel like it's a curse. This is very common in a narcissistic family and continues to impact generation after generation. Your a survivor and an angel, thank you for sharing your experience, strength and hope.
Get Up Stand Up, Child Abuse Rally.
Uniting Child Sexual Abuse Survivors.
Justice For Children UK are holding a rally in Edinburgh on Thursday the 6th of September 2018 from 12:30pm to 5:30pm outside the Scottish parliament building at Holyrood, Edinburgh
We at Justice For Children UK support and fight for justice for adults who were victims of child abuse be it sexual /physical/or mental abuse and also for our children of today who are still being abused On the day of the rally there will be guest speaker’s music and hopefully a lot of noise as our voices are heard as we stand together.
We are inviting everyone especially victims/survivors and warriors along with other groups who want the same and that is Justice For Children.
It is our prayer at Justice For Children UK we never need to support you or any member of your family but one thing to remember is we are “Here For You” if you need us.
For full details of our rally and to find out more about us at Justice For Children UK please visit our website at : www.justiceforchildren.info
Guest Speakers Wanted Bands Solo Singers Groups please get in touch share this page even if you are unable to attend.
Free Tickets for all.
Or you can contact us on the following numbers.
Telephone Sandy : 07576-796196.
Telephone Andy : 012239-69648.
Telephone Jayne : 07727-190028.
god bless u :) remember god is always with good souls .......💖💖💖💚💓💓👼 u r an angel dear .... n I think every girl is angel in this whole universe ....... who struggles a lot in their daily lives...... God bless everyone .....
Thank you! You are so brave and beautifull inside out. This video helped a lot gave me strength for my own healing journey. The courage to heal book and workbook are great and trauma and recovery is another great book to read. Thank you again lots of love
Thank you so much for sharing your story. The things you're feeling and the thoughts you're sharing are so relatable and moving I can't help but share your tears! I'll be praying for you! I hope you're doing well
People here seem to have more knowledge in this area. So I have a question. Ever since I can remember (probably about 3/4 years) I had sort of messed up dreams as a child and possibly younger than that (but I don't really have memories from before that). There were some more normal aspects, like I could fly hehe. But I also remember dreaming being raped by a group of extremely obese women. I dunno if I knew what it was called, but I knew what it was and that it was wrong. I have no memories of sexual abuse or bad vibes from people, just the sense that even as a kid, these dreams felt wrong. Like not age appropriate, like that 'normal' kids don't dream these things. I dunno. Maybe I'm thinking way too much into this. Thoughts?
I was sexually abused as a child at the age of 8 until I was 10 and I didn’t experience my first flashback until last year at the age of 19. My flashback happened because my sister was telling me how one of her close friends told her he was sexually abused as a child, and this was the first time I’d ever heard of someone I know being sexually abused as a kid, and the memories came flooding back. I’d managed to suppress them after about a year when the abuse finished, for 8 years. The symptoms you listed have always related to me, and I was diagnosed with BPD when I was 18 after being in the mental health system since I was 13. The comment about starting a project and then just giving up once it gets good, really related to me and I haven’t been able to explain that feeling until now. I’m sorry you went through this, but thank you for sharing your story. I hope you’re doing well, and are coming to terms with your past trauma ❤️
The hardest thing for me is the memory loss. I have a huge feeling of not being able to enjoy pleasant things like jokes, dancing, singing, and so on. My brother years ago got really high and told me he knew something that happened to me as a child, but he wouldn't tell me. I have always had huge systems of abuse, but I have no memories. I mean absolutely no memories of parts of my childhood such as school, family, just being alive. I want so badly to know what to do I can't afford thereapy.
This makes me sad :( because I was sexually abused as a child:( all I ever wanted to be is a pro footballer so I can give my family the life they deserve. I was raped when I was 9 years old by the football scout :( I have a story of me on my new YouTube channel. My mission is to prevent others from having this happen to them. My life has changed a lot. Has anyone else experienced what I have experienced?
i can relate to all of this and am watching this at right time after going through narc relations and dependencies control dramas.Like you iam at the point where I can help others and have a relationship with myself. I still also feel similar with regard to recieving oral and feeling dirty also recently discovered my reasons of putting on weight and looking unattractive on purpose to put off predators including not wanting to exercise. Insomnia YES! thankyou so much for posting this I hear you and empathise with all symptoms I feel always oddball but understand you and what a bitch depression is...you can heal your life by Doreen Virtue helpd me alot in my early yrs. stay strong soul sister you are amasing and we need you here much love and appreciation 💞🤗🕉
I want you to know that your honesty has me in tears. My real life monster just passed away and we buried him yesterday. Mine was a family member as well. Unlike you, I told my family and when I did, it was swept under the rug. I was told to keep it to myself because the person who hurt me was a doctor, a husband, a father, and I could not ruin his reputation. Over the past couple weeks, I have struggled with so many emotions and conflicting feelings. I have also realized that I am not alone. I want to personally tell you that I am sorry that you went through the same experiences as I did. I finally feel that now my real life monster is gone I no longer have to be silenced. Thank you for sharing your story. Much love to you.
I know that I've been molested 3 times that I remember. Once when I was 8. Again at 17. And again at 23. It's like I keep attracting it to myself. But I have a strong suspicion the first time was when I was much younger. I remember a vision of seeing a mans erect penis when I was 2 or 3. I remember telling my friends when I was in elementary school that I had seen my DAD's penis when referring to this image. I have all of these symptoms that are listed in this video. I'm Borderline and was actively bulimic for 12 years. I've used meth and heroine on and off through all my 20's (I'm 29) and abused alcohol through all my 20's and late teens, like having to drink all day everyday. From the time I woke up, to the time I went to bed. I have not enjoyed sex my whole life. It was purely a way for me to feel loved and accepted and I have extreme abandonment issues. I have also had extreme rage issues since I was a very young girl. My mom said I used to get so mad that I'd clench my jaw and fists and my face would go purple. She called me the Tasmanian devil bc of my rage outbursts. I have strong feelings that those episodes of abuse that I can definitely remember are NOT the source point. I don't know what to do. Every once in a while I get these sick sinking feelings of sexual shame when around certain men in my life. So strong that I have to leave the room. My grandfather, my dad, my uncle. I don't know what to do.
Cassidy I'm only just going through the comments on this video now - 9 months on! I'm so sorry to hear what a tough time you've had of it. It's heartbreaking what you've been through. I'm sending you so much love. If you get this, how are you doing now? Much love to you <3
I also would pull out all my body hair from the time I was in 2nd grade to 7th grade. I pulled out my eyelashes, I cut my "widows peak" (I never had one, I only thought I did.). I pulled out my sideburns, like ripped them out so I was bald on the sides of my head. whenever I was nervous i pulled out my hair, even my pubic hair.
I've watched this many times and every time it hits me in the gut. My situation is more like yours in that I've wondered on and off since I was about thirteen (I'm in my late twenties now) if I have an abuse history of that nature. I have a couple of very fuzzy "memories" I guess of a couple of things that certainly count. Even with these I obsessively go over all the details often to see if they're "real" or not. I remember thinking that I understood what certain sexual acts were before I had names for them.
I have tremendous difficulties with trusting people during sex. My first partner, I jumped into sex right away and felt nothing with him. I was actually dissociated during much of our time together and I would go home and sob hysterically. I thought I was going crazy.
But the other symptoms; the self loathing, fear of sexuality and disordered eating all fit. I also go through alternating periods of saying no to pretty much everything and not being able to say no, especially if I feel like I'm disappointing someone. It feels like something beyond normal consciousness and more like a mortal fear of disobeying the other person. I have no reason, given my known (my 100%) known history to be that compliant. I'm so sorry for rambling. I hope you take care of yourself. Thank you for this.
I'm so sorry for your suffering and I feel with you ❤
I wish you the best of all for the future, all life can ever bring. You are amazing, so brave opening up for all of this. I strongly belive that doing that itself is healing you. I send you all my love and strength. If I believed in God I would have said that you're in my prayers. Although I don't, in lack of a better way to express myself, that's the feeling I want you to get from me to always keep with you if wanted.
Best of wishes E
thank you for posting about your experience facing the consequences of sexual abuse.I related so much to how you described yourself and your life/evolution.I am facing my own patterns head on,right now.I also experienced several different abusers in my childhood and my mom was a domestic abuser and drunk.I now am trying to heal from years of chronic disease(lyme disease) and know I need to come to terms with my own patterns.Its really hard.I will try to find a therapist.Its amazing how I have minimized the impact of sexual abuse in my life.I am with you in my heart,We can heal.
Feeling like I want to be invisible. Dissociation. Not trusting men especially. Memory blanks. The feelings of shame. Watching people get on with life. It's just like I'm existing and not living. And nothing is in my control.
I don't think you ever fully recover. I'd love to think that it is possible. Feeling numb is one of the worst.
Being detached from people around me. And when I do make those connections I end up getting really hurt.
So I withdraw again.
The legacy of CSA.
One thing we have in common as survivors is COURAGE. COURAGE to keep going. I'm so sad for the many that couldn't face another day.
Thanks for being brave enough to make these videos.
Pizza, hope you don't do that again. Anyway, I lived with denying anything happened to me my whole life, but living with mood's on and off. Anyway, running or exercising is something I do, when my head can't tolerate the reality. Do little at a time
I just signed the petition "We call on the National Union of Teachers to withdraw its motion promoting LGBT+ issues to toddlers" on CitizenGO.
It's important. Will you sign it too? Here's the link:
I started having flashbacks in my early 20s just like you . I just want you to know that you are not alone and I truly understand how painful it is to have these hurtful memories of abuse . I am quite a bit older than you are chronologically but when you speak it pulls me right back into my 20s and my feelings of not being worth anything and drowning in my own memories of abuse . I am 51 years old now in my journey and the pain from my abusive and neglectful childhood is just as strong as it was when I was 21 . The difference is that now I actually am able to truly love myself . The memories are so strong that almost every single night I have nightmares about my family and about all of the abuse I suffered throughout my childhood . When I wake up from these nightmares I still have the feelings like the abuse just happened to me. Unfortunately I had many sexual traumas while I was growing up. I had trauma after trauma and I blamed myself for attracting the abuser or abusers . It seemed like abusers have a talent for spotting their victims . At least that's how it was for me . But what I want to say to you is it's not your fault . I will say it again it's not your fault that these things happen to you . I send my love to you as a sister . Please try to give yourself the compassion that you would give to anyone who had suffered what you suffered . Please give yourself the love that you deserve . Because you do deserve love and all good things. I was very stuck in my shame throughout my 20s and 30s and well into my 40s . Now that I am 51 I have just begun to love myself . It's very important to get to a place in your mind where you understand that the fault was not yours. You were just a child and cannot be held responsible for the actions of adults in your life . You deserve to be happy and have tears of joy . I feel so much love for you because you are deserving of love and blessings. I feel like I could be your mom and say to you you did not deserve to be hurt and touched in any unpure way. Right now I can see in your eyes that you are hurting and feeling stuck. You remind me of me when I was your age . I was never able to have children because of the neglect I suffered my body was wrecked inside. But if it was possible I wish I could've been there for you as your mom or something because I would have died protecting you . So I send to you love that you truly deserved from a loving mother who should've been taking care of you and not allowed you to be victimized by anyone.
I have this heavy feeling in the centre of my chest, throughout this entire video and as I write this. It's almost like I have a hand pressing on my sternum. I'm quite taken aback at how many things are striking a chord with me. The feeling guilty thing, I still have it when someone tells me "hey do you know whatever happened to my item" for an example, and I always feel some sort of guilt, even very well knowing I had nothing to do with. And I remember when I was 11 in school, the teacher was asking the whole class who took home one of the stationary items or something, and feeling a weird guilt whilst knowing, again, that it had nothing to do with me. And I am always self sabotaging, which is keeping me stagnant. With studying, jobs, and weight loss. Also, I have this feeling that whenever I start losing weight, I start to get a little bit scared, and it's a scared of feeling "frail". I don't think that I have been raped as a child (although I have been in within two different relationships, not extremely aggressively, but rape nonetheless. Along with emotional and mental abuse, intimidation. Which is why I am looking into why I have such poor boundaries in sex and with whom I open my trust to. I think I have just become so untrusting now, as a result. My boyfriend of 5 months wants to shout us a night away in a beautiful place up in the forest, but I just do not feel comfortable going for the night. I really feel like I have been molested by either my brother or dad, I am leaning towards my brother from other inappropriate things that I can remember clearly from my teenage years. Anyway, thank you so much for being so brave and making this video to help others. You are a beautiful lady and I can just see that you have a gentle/kind soul too. I hope that you as well as all of us, can heal tremendously this year! Much love from Australia <3
my heart feels and understands your pain, such a beautiful strong soul.....its so strange as Ive had 3 dreams well nightmares recently relating to my abuse. wow how I just want to hug you,.I would love to meet your soul one day in the futuremany blessings and thank you....thank you so much xxxx
im only 2 minutes into this video and I just need to say already.......well done.....for being so brave and courageous you beautiful soul and not only that your vegan too wooooop :) Im so glad I found your video and your from the UK which is amazing as I am too. I recently broke my silence and shared my video about my CSA a few days ago and really feel what your saying. I hope you are well and sending so much love and healing energy yourway xxxx
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